Category Archives: Raising a Child

Mothering Update and Further Questions

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Signing

After I asked you for your opinions on signing and other things, I decided to sign every word I can remember to Paul. The day after I started signing everything, Paul started “babbling” in sign. It was so cute! Now he consistently signs “More” but I don’t think he actually knows what he means. Video here.

(I’m starting to feel conflicted as to which site to put these things on: it’s about Paul so it should be on Paul’s Page, but I’m the one trying to figure things out, so it should be on my page. I guess I can’t separate him from me anymore!)

Sleeping

As for sleep, Paul’s been going from 6:30 or 7 p.m. until 6 or 7 a.m., except for the few days lately when he’s awoken screaming in the night or in the early hours. I’m pretty sure it’s teething but I’m hoping we can get back to a normal schedule. I like the waking up at 7 a.m. thing! I wish it happened more often.

Eating

I’ve figured it out what to cook for Paul. I refuse to make food for myself without salt, so for now I’m still making two separate dinners. Paul eats at 5 and we eat at 8 anyway, so it’s not that big of a deal. But Paul’s food tastes pretty good these days! I really like pumpkin. It’s a good base for just about everything.

TV/Movie Watching

When do kids actually notice TV/movies? We don’t have a TV but I did try to introduce Paul to Winnie the Pooh, watching it on my computer. He didn’t pay attention for more than 5 or 10 minutes.

I ask because I want to buy Signing Time and I’m not sure it’s worth it for such a little boy who won’t sit still anyway. It’s not that I want to encourage TV watching anyway, so I might as well wait, I guess. We do have an actual TV screen in storage, so we’ll have it again when we return to the USA. (We still won’t have TV, though.)

Toys

What is the best kind of toy for a 9-month old? I’m still relying on his rattles and other 6-month-old toys and they are just not enough for him. (I was going to wait until we got back to the USA to get more toys, but I’m tired of waiting and he’s bored!) I got him a ring tower and today I’m going to look for a peg puzzle. Any other ideas?

Questions for Mothers

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I’m just a first time mom. I’m sure some of the rest of you “pros” could help. Please, share your insights!

Sleeping

  • At eight months old, how long can my baby go at night without eating (i.e., how long can he sleep)? Is it okay to expect him to sleep 10-12 hours?
  • What’s a reasonable bedtime for an eight-month-old? (Right now, he’s asking for 5:30-6. OR ELSE.)

Baby Signs

My wonderful sister gave me a baby signing book for Christmas and I’ve been signing to him, pretty much just some basic signs: FOOD/EAT, MOMMY, DADDY, BATH, MORE.

I haven’t gotten any indication from Paul that he understands these signs, but he did start communicating via his own sign.

Smacking his lips together/opening his mouth and closing it = I WANT TO EAT NOW

It’s quite cute to realize I can understand what he wants!

  • If you signed to your baby, how long before they actually started to respond? Did they make up their own signs?

Eating

  • Canned baby food tastes like dog food here; not really an option. What did you feed your no-longer-pureed-food-but-still-not-quite-adult-food baby?

When Will I Stop Worrying that My Son Will Die?

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A few months ago, when Paul started to sleep through the night, I’d wake up in the morning terrified that I’d find him dead in his crib from SIDS.

At his eight-month checkup, I was told to stop feeding him pureed food: mix chunky/mashed foods so he learns how to chew. Now I feed him his meal, terrified that he’s going to choke on his food and die, right before my eyes.

He’s becoming mobile now, and I’m realizing that the next step will be terror that in the two minutes I turn around, he’ll put his finger in an outlet and die from electrocution (even with outlet covers…). Or fall down the stairs and die. Or grab at something that I didn’t mean to leave out and choke on it and die. Or cut himself on something sharp I thought I’d put away and bleed to death. Or…

I could go on. All these terrors keep recurring in my mind.

Someone responded back in December that these fears aren’t from the spirit and I shouldn’t worry. But really, they are all very possible. And if he dies because of something I did or didn’t do, I could not live with myself.

When will I stop worrying that my son will die? Or will I always worry?

Sunday Scribblings #111 Soar/Sore

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I lift him above my head: his mouth opens wide in a baby-grin and he laughs loudly, soaring above me, arms outstretched. I smile too, my heart memorizing the sound, the sight, and the feeling of chubby childhood joy.

***

I turn away: in my mind I still see the tears on his pumpkin-covered face and in my ears I still hear his constant scream of baby indignation. I sigh and grab a towel to wipe away the blood on my finger, wishing someone would kiss my sore better.

This is motherhood: a daily dichotomy.

Winds-day and Lesson 11: Faith in Jesus Christ

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Yesterday, I watched a wind storm.

Paul was napping. I sat at my desk, at my computer.

When I heard a strong wind whip through the trees, I looked out. Our house is on a hill so I see trees for miles.

The sky was cloudy and gray. And there was quite a wind. Autumn leaves fell out of the sky–yellow and orange–but so did bunches of green leaves. A branch whipped across the roof. The neighbors’ garbage cans across the highway toppled over, the “for sale” sign was uprooted, and trees seemed to bend. Our lights flickered. One tree bent close to our home, and I heard something banging against our roof.

I worried: I rushed to Paul’s room.

Paul slept soundly. His eyes remained closed, and he sighed in his sleep. He brought his hand nearer his mouth and bumped his pacifier, which rested on the mattress now. He sighed again and turned his head to look at the wall. I heard the wind, but it was distant. All was calm.

I watched him sleep for a few minutes. Then I left his room, closed the door, and sat at my desk again. I don’t know why I panicked and raced to him during the wind. We were safe inside our home. The wind wasn’t going to knock down our walls: they are strong. We were safe.

But as I watched him sleep, I felt this sudden out-of-control feeling: He’s going to grow up. He’s going to go outside, into the world, away from me. Will he be strong enough against the winds, or will they topple him?

And now, my [son], remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.

— Helaman 5:12

After a little while, the winds calmed, with only an occasional burst. The clouds didn’t retreat, but the sky lightened a bit.

And then there was a burst of wind, and a full-grown tree toppled over, right through our neighbor’s yard and our neighbor’s fence and our fence and into our backyard.

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As I’ve thought about the tree (and watch it sitting rudely on our lawn), I realized it was only after the worst of the storm was over that the tree succumbed. It had been weakened. In a very real way, the tree it wasn’t strong enough against the winds.

I had thought that the lesson for Sunday school this week was about faith; most of the manual discusses what faith is and examples of faith from the scriptures. But then I looked at the title: Faith in Jesus Christ. It’s not just faith; the first principle of the gospel is “faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.” Believing, a general faith, is not enough to sustain us through the “mighty winds” that the adversary will send our way.

We can have faith that the sun will rise tomorrow; we can have faith that a seed will grow. But we must have faith that Jesus Christ truly did atone for our sins. That is how we return to our Heavenly Father. It is only in and through Christ that we can return to Him.

Joseph Smith called faith “a moving cause of action” and “a principle of power.” It is not a passive concept. The power of faith is incredible: the walls of Jericho came down, Enoch moved mountains, Jared beheld the finger of the Lord. I think of what those people had to do to exercise such faith. Then I think of the power I can receive by exercising faith in Jesus Christ: the ability to return to my Heavenly Father, despite my shortcomings. Wow! That’s more than moving a mountain in my mind.

I must actively build my foundation in Christ, and I must teach my son to build such a foundation. I can only do that if I rely on my own foundation: I am imperfect, but through Christ, I can be perfect.

I must teach my son that he belongs to God, for he is a child of God first. God has entrusted his spirit to me. What a responsibility!

I suspect I’ll always want to check on him when the winds come, even when the day comes that I must let him go outside, into the world. How will his foundation fare against the “mighty winds?”

Lesson 11 of 45

Lesson 3: The Fall of Adam and Eve

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Sometimes I think it would be nice to live in a world with no sickness, no sorrow, and no pain. What would such a world be like?

I’ll begin with the trivial: I wouldn’t be uncomfortably hot during the summer. Now, on hot days, I hope for a short summer and early autumn. Of course, I wouldn’t have any uncomfortably cold wintery days either. But, without the extreme weather, I wouldn’t appreciate spring and autumn weather. By eliminating unpleasant weather, pleasant weather gets very boring.

Then I think about a world void of sicknesses and pain. I’ve always been healthy and lacked major health problems. That has changed in the past four months. (Having a baby helps your body fall apart, I guess.) I would love to eliminate pain and sickness from my life! Ironically, though, it is only now that I’ve regularly experienced ill health that I recognize what a blessing it was to have had good health. Every day that I am not ill is a very good day (there still are plenty of those), and some days I feel great! By being ill, I appreciate so much more being well. (However, I really do look forward to not being ill on a regular basis.)

It might sound nice initially, but a world without sickness, sorrow, pain, and sin would lack all enjoyment as well.

In the beginning, Adam and Eve lived in such a world.

When they were first placed there, they were given two commandments:

  1. Multiply and replenish the earth (Genesis 1:28)
  2. Don’t partake of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil (Genesis 2:16-17)

And here lies the most complex irony: because the garden was a place of innocence, Adam and Eve couldn’t fulfill the first commandment without breaking the second.

When Adam and Eve did choose to partake of the fruit, they committed a transgression, not a sin. Because there was nothing inherently wrong with partaking of the fruit, it was not a sin to partake of it, even though it was a commandment not to.

I like this comparison: A parent tells a child to never cross the street. Does the parent have a reason for the rule? Yes. But is it inherently wrong to cross the street? No. At some point in his life, the child needs to cross the street.

Eve had a dilemma. She had to choose to sacrifice her painless world of innocence in order to gain experience and to bear children. She did not know what the experience would be because she’d never before experienced it. No human had experienced it. It’s hard to choose to experience the unknown. And yet, she wanted to gain experience and she wanted to raise children.

I feel close to her dilemma. A little more than three months ago, I went through incredible pains to bring a child into the world. It was horrible. I thought I was going to die. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to give up. Why can’t we have children without the pain?

Well, that’s not the plan, and I’m not talking about the lack of drugs. (I imagine childbirth is still quite painful with drugs.) There is much pain in raising a child, beyond childbirth. The plan of our Heavenly Father is to learn from experience. Experience sometimes entails fear and pain, but it also includes incredible happiness. There is supposed to be opposition as we experience the good.

Eve could only bear children by giving up innocence. I can’t speak for Eve, but because I went through that painful experience of childbirth:

  • I have the most beautiful, perfect little boy to raise.
  • I learned a lot about my abilities to do what I have to do.
  • I gained an incredible spiritual closeness to my Heavenly Father.
  • I am learning every day from my child.

I think childbirth is an incredible miracle. But it required going through a very challenging experience. It required that I not live in a perfect world, void of pain and sorrow.

Adam [and Eve] fell that man [and woman] might be, and men [and women] are that they might have joy. 2 Nephi 2:25

I’m grateful for the Fall of Adam and Eve. It meant I could come to earth. It meant I can bear children. It meant that I can have my joy multiplied as I Experience. And truly, my family is my greatest joy.

Lesson 3 of 45

Lesson 2: Agency: The Power to Choose

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My son’s face relaxes as his mouth grabs hold of the pacifier. He begins to suck and his mouth almost smiles. He stops squirming and his eyes close. I feel his body go partially limp in my arms. I know he likes that pacifier!

Then I watch his right hand begin its move toward his face. He likes to have his hand near his face. It’s a comfort to him. But I know what is coming. Sure enough, his long little fingers reach the pacifier and loop through the ring on the end of it.

“Paul, don’t do it!” I warn him. “If you move your hand back then you’ll pull the pacifier out of your mouth.”

His eyes twitch, but his lids remain shut. He continues sucking.

A door slams somewhere and Paul’s body starts. He jerks his right hand away from his face. Sure enough, just as I warned, the pacifier now remains in his right hand, a full three inches from his mouth.

His eyes open wide and he stares at me. His look is part shock and part betrayal. How could you? He seems to say. Then his bottom lip begins to jut out and his whole face begins its contortion. Here comes a cry!

You did it! I want to say. You pulled the pacifier out of your own mouth! You can control that arm; you can control that hand! You can choose to put the pacifier back in your mouth! Just move your hand.

But I know he is still too little to recognize his own power: he has agency and he doesn’t even realize it.

Being a mother is helping me see how Heavenly Father views us. Just as I want to help Paul understand how his tiny choices affect his life, Heavenly Father likewise wants me to understand how my more significant choices affect my life — and my eternal progression. Paul is not yet making any choices of eternal consequence: he is still unaccountable. But as the days and years go by, he will gain the ability to choose between right and wrong. He will learn.

When we lived with God in the premortal world, we understood that we could make choices. Heavenly Father provided an opportunity for each of us to come to the earth. We would choose how we would live. We knew we’d make mistakes. And Heavenly Father promised a Savior, who would pay for our sins, so that we could return to live with Him again.

Heavenly Father’s plan includes these principles of agency (See 2 Nephi 2:26-29).

  1. A law. He provides commandments to follow that enable us to return to Him.
  2. Knowledge of the law. He gives us these commandments through prophets and scriptures. As we grow on the earth, we learn the commandments.
  3. Opposition: good and evil. We sometimes have to choose between good and evil; we have to choose between obeying the commandments and doing other things we might want to do. The Spirit will help us discern which choices are right.
  4. Freedom of choice. Heavenly Father will not force us to choose right. We have complete freedom as to whether we will choose right or wrong. We make our own choices!
  5. Responsibility for choices. This is the hard part: we can’t choose the consequence of our choices. If we choose right, we will be blessed. If we choose wrong, we are cut off from our Heavenly Father, unless we rely on Christ’s atonement, which is another choice. Thus, in Heavenly Father’s plan, some people will not return to Heavenly Father again.

In that premortal realm, we know that Satan wanted the glory as the Savior (See Moses 4:1-4 and Abraham 3:24-28). He wanted to save everyone, by making them choose right all the time. He wanted to eliminate principle — the freedom to choose. It sounds like a nice idea: we’d all be saved. There is pain in choosing wrong and some people won’t make it back. Wouldn’t it be great if all made it back?

In watching my son, I realize what a tragedy it would be if he couldn’t learn to control his own body. What if I forced him to move in a set way? He wouldn’t be able to move his arm toward his mouth if the result would be the pacifier coming out: he’d be forced to stay in one position. He would not be able to jolt in surprise when a door slammed. He’d sleep between set hours every day so he wouldn’t be uncomfortably tired ever. He would never choose again.

What a tragedy that would be! What would be the point of his existence? In watching him, I see how important it is that we are able to choose what we do. His choices are small and insignificant now, but as he grows, they will increase in significance. Yes, he will make wrong choices. But he will choose!

There is a reason we experience negative consequences: it is how we learn. It may be hard to anticipate negative consequences for our own choices. But looking on, I can anticipate my infant son’s dismay when he removes his own pacifier. He will be sad, and he is. I know that as he grows, his life will be full of such moments, most of them of much more significance. It will be sad to see wrong consequences. But he will eventually learn how to control his arms and hands. I know that as he gains control and accountability, he will begin to recognize how his actions are related to the consequences, and he’ll learn to make different actions.

Because we did accept Heavenly Father’s plan, we have the freedom to choose. I look on and anticipate the consequences of Paul’s choices, and Heavenly Father likewise looks on and anticipates the consequences of our choices. Heavenly Father has provided guidance for us so we can avoid the painful mistakes. By listening to the Spirit, by obeying to the prophet, and by reading the scriptures, we should recognize what the consequences of our choices are and what right is.

As I listen to my son’s crying, I recognize what a great blessing this gift of agency is! He can choose and therefore he can learn. We all can.

Lesson 2 of 45

Gingerbread

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Inspired by my cousin’s report of making gingerbread with her kids, I decided to have a go at the holiday treat too. Why not make Christmas cookies to get the Christmas spirit? Besides, I’ve been reading food blogs lately and the recipes and pictures looked so enticing.

The first challenge was the lack of molasses in this country. I’ve since been told that I can get molasses at a health food store (why a health food store?), but last week I didn’t know that. At every grocery store and specialty shop I asked, I was either asked what molasses is or directed to the pomegranate “molasses” (which is pretty much just pomegranate juice). Alas! How can you make gingerbread without molasses?!

I would have used corn syrup (known as golden syrup here) but I also couldn’t find it. I guess I didn’t want to go around to all the specialty shops again, so I just settled for maple syrup, which I had at home.

The maple syrup didn’t add particularly much. The final result was more gingersnap-like rather than gingerbread-like. That was a little disappointing, but they were still tasty. I had a fun time decorating some cookies for the ward Christmas party.

I made some missionary gingerbread men (notice the bow ties)….

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and I made some gingerbread ladies. (Notice her ruffles and the high heels.)

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OK, so I was a bit silly in my very amateur decoration. The piping tip was too large for such small cookies.

I enjoyed myself for a while, but then I looked down at all the gingerbread left to be decorated. It was already 9:30 on Thursday night and my husband had already returned home from his long meetings. I still had tons of icing left and more than 30 gingerbread men still unclothed!

I recalled how last year Mom, Dad, Frank, Elizabeth, and Daniel came and decorated graham cracker gingerbread houses. How I miss you all! Daniel, I think you’d have enjoyed decorating these little guys! I invited my husband to join in, but, you know, it really isn’t his thing.

(When I mourned the fact that I still had so many left to decorate, my husband gleefully said, “I have no sympathy!”After he ate some, however, he thanked me most sincerely for bringing the Christmas Spirit into our home. And then he cleaned up the icing-covered kitchen. What a wonderful husband I have!)

So what do you do with 32 unfrosted gingerbread men? I did what anybody in her right mind would do: I invited my Sunday school class (13-14 years old) over to decorate the rest. I froze the undecorated little guys, and they came today (Wednesday) and frosted the rest of the gingerbread men. Then they ate them and took them home with them! (I neglected to take pictures of their marvelous little creations….)

Next year, Paul will probably still be too little to even eat these guys. But in two years, I look forward to seeing his delight as he decorates his own Christmas cookies.

Cleaning as Nurturing

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I’ve been thinking a lot about the talk by Sister Beck in conference about motherhood. Here’s the part I’ve been dwelling on the last few days:

Another word for nurturing is homemaking. Homemaking includes cooking, washing clothes and dishes, and keeping an orderly home. Home is where women have the most power and influence; therefore, Latter-day Saint women should be the best homemakers in the world. … Nurturing mothers are knowledgeable, but all the education women attain will avail them nothing if they do not have the skill to make a home that creates a climate for spiritual growth. Growth happens best in a “house of order,” and women should pattern their homes after the Lord’s house (see D&C 109). Nurturing requires organization, patience, love, and work.

To nurture, I need to cook, wash clothes and dishes, and keep an orderly home.

Firstly, cooking. As I mentioned yesterday, I’ve recently discovered I love to cook! Cooking no longer feels like a chore, but a delight. I can see how cooking a meal for my family is nurturing them.

Next, washing clothes and dishes. I don’t mind doing laundry and dishes. Once the clothes are clean, then the hampers are empty, and that feels satisfying. I get to do twice as much laundry now with an infant. I really don’t mind doing it. True, I dyed a few of Pauls’ white onesies pink the first week of his life, but since then, there have been no “disasters” and we’ve been clothed well.

As for dishes, one of my first jobs at BYU was a dishwasher in the CougarEat kitchens. It was relaxing. My husband does dishes each night after dinner now anyway because Paul is usually hungry at just the right moment…but really, I don’t mind dishes at all.

Finally, keeping an orderly home. I take this to mean cleaning and not just keeping things organized. I can put things away and avoid piles of “stuff” and wipe down kitchen counters. I can follow a grocery budget and keep my pantry stocked and in order. But my problem right now is cleaning. I find sweeping, mopping, cleaning toilets, scrubbing down showers, vacuuming, and dusting absolutely tedious. Mom suggested I like cooking because it’s a symbol of my love. For some reason, I just can’t think of cleaning in the same way. It just feels tedious.

My dislike of cleaning is not a new problem. As a kid, when Mom gave me my chores on Saturday mornings, I’d sing “It’s a Hard-Knock Life” and grumble about how unfair it was to have to clean. As an adult, my philosophy has always been: if I can see the dust, it’s too late. But after Paul was born, I went a month without touching a broom. As I mentioned before, that was much too long.

The problem is that we have a two-story, three-bedroom, two-and-a-half bath town home with hardwood floors the size of Kentucky. And as I got around to mopping the other day, I saw little ants and a spider’s cobweb.

As Sister Beck said, I need the “skill to make a home that creates a climate for spiritual growth.” Dust and ants hinder that spiritual growth. How can I delight in cleaning as nurturing rather than as a chore? How can I develop the same sense of satisfaction with cleaning that I recently have found with cooking?

Advice

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I have a lot to learn about being a mother. The first major lesson I’m learning is to not believe everything I’m told.

I own a few early-days-of-being-a-mother parenting books. In the weeks prior to Paul’s birth, I read just about every parenting book in the Glen Waverley library. I talked with friends in my ward here who have been parents for years. I talked to my own mother. During the 48 hours I was in the hospital with my newborn, each midwife (there were at least 12) imparted her medical opinions about caring for my baby.

I really shouldn’t listen to most of it.

Yes, it really has taken me a month to get to this point.

I’ve decided I’ll do whatever works for my baby. I guess it’s good to read and listen to people, but I’m not going to take anyone seriously. My husband says, “Mother knows best.” I’m not sure I do know what is best, but I’m figuring it out one day at a time.

Advice That Didn’t Help

(and there is so much more!)

  • The most important thing to do is feed your baby. If you don’t, he will end up on IVs in a children’s nursery.

This came from a midwife at the hospital 36 hours after Paul’s birth. I was already panicked about trying to figure out breastfeeding and her pressure for me to figure it out before I left the hospital did not help. They actually told me I could not leave the hospital until I got him to attach correctly. With my husband’s encouragement, I told them “Actually, I’m leaving now,” and we packed up and left. One midwife was supportive of that (see Advice That Helped below). Without the awful hospital pressure, I figured it out.

  • Never give a newborn a bottle or a pacifier (also called dummy, soother, binkie). Wait until they are at least a month old (preferably 6-8 weeks old), or they will never breastfeed correctly again.

and

  • If you give a newborn a bottle (even of expressed breast milk), you aren’t breastfeeding properly and it will “mess up” your supply.

I panicked on day 13 of Paul’s life because he wouldn’t nurse. I was very worried he wasn’t getting food (see first bullet point as to why this was a huge worry). My husband bought a pump and I gave him a bottle. My husband also bought two pacifiers. Paul loves the pacifiers, has no problems with the bottle, and hasn’t really had any problem nursing since day 16. He figured it out.

  • Your baby will scream if he’s hungry.

Paul doesn’t scream. He sleeps. Eventually, when I offer him the chance to eat, he’ll realize he’s hungry and get mad and anxious to eat. But he usually doesn’t realize he’s hungry before that point.

  • Newborns that are breastfed don’t need to be burped. They don’t get “wind.”

It took me a week (or more) to realize this isn’t true for Paul. If I burp Paul every five minutes, he spits up half as much.

  • Breastfeed babies don’t spit up very often.

I read this on a website about breastfeeding. They must not have met my son!

  • You’re baby isn’t like an adult. He knows when he’s full and stops eating.

I have no proof of this, but I really think Paul will keep eating forever! He does not refuse to eat, even if he’s been eating for an hour. He’ll spit up every thing he eats after a certain point, but still he usually won’t refuse if I offer. (Sometimes he does fall asleep, though.)

  • Don’t use any kind of cleanser in the baby’s bath. Just use warm water.

I’m not convinced that that would really clean me, let alone my spit-up covered child. I’m not sure why so many people told me this. We avoid soap, of course, but what’s wrong with Johnson’s wash?

Advice That Helped

  • You have common sense, and you have nipples. You’ll be fine!

This was the response from one midwife (a cute Chinese grandma lady) at the hospital that didn’t seem worried that I wanted to skip the joint, despite not having “figured out” breastfeeding by day 2.