Category Archives: Motherhood

Easing into Fall and Saying Goodbye to A Slow Summer

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Now that I’ve finally finished scrubbing out the refrigerator, I can come back and tell you how much I love fall.

This summer was great, don’t get me wrong. I felt we were busier than normal, even without a change from school to no school. This year’s summer weather was wonderfully mild, and Paul didn’t fuss on the days when I said, “Sorry, but it’s just too hot today. We’re staying inside.” (I have a feeling that won’t work so well next year.)

But now the weather is back to a reasonable average, and I just love to sit in the (pleasantly cool) sun and watch the leaves fall from the trees.

Today, the weather is staying in low 80s and the coming week has a perfect partially sunny forecast of 70s and upper 60s. It’s cool enough to walk to the library without dying of misery and perspiration. It’s cool enough to play in the back yard for extended periods of time. It’s cool enough to sit on our deck and eat dinner.

I love my yard. The landscaping keeps the neighbors in their own yard, so even when they had a party and football game the other night, our yard was still blessedly private and quiet. We had our own dinner outside too. I love privacy: good fences truly do make good neighbors (and we don’t even have fences; just perfect yards!!).

In the fall, I go to the library and it’s not overrun with noisy, cranky kids. In the fall, I go to the park and there aren’t any big kids sharing sand with Paul (I hate sand). In the fall, I can call up my friends and schedule play dates again, since the big kids are back in school.

In retrospect, I realize now how much I didn’t finish over those crazy weeks called “summer.” Why did they feel so crazy? It seemed all the people we met with were on “hyper” mode, trying to fit things in to the short time.

We didn’t do any fun “activities,” per se, and our budget kept us close to home (until we finally made it to Utah in September!!). But Paul and I both had a great summer all the same. Paul played with his cousins a few times, we visited Grandma and Grandpa in Naperville a few times, and we did little things together, just the two of us.

I’m realized I’m just not an activity girl. I’d rather sit and chat with people than “do” something “exciting.”

As I ponder the fact that I’m a sitter and not a “do-er,” I realize that my son may miss out on some things. He’s not going to have memories of busy childhood summers. Ever. I know I’m not going to drag him around all over the place next year either. We’ll do the special things that he loves: playing on the swing set, going to the library, going to the petting zoo and park, playing with friends, going on picnics. Maybe next year we’ll find some new favorite thing to do together. But I’m not a “crazy summer activities” Mom and I never will be. I like to keep life simple.

Paul is the happiest, least cranky kid I know, and I sincerely believe that a regular nap and bedtime schedule helps him to be so. In order for him to get his sleep, we sometimes have to say “no thanks” to some of those “crazy” activities in order to be home by sleep time. And you know what? I really like it that way.

As he gets closer to age two, Paul is becoming more independent. He resists obeying, and he’s begun to have screaming fits when I misunderstand what he says or when I decline his requests. The next few months of autumn will be interesting as I adjust to this new personality he’s developing. And yet, he’s still, overall, an incredibly happy, well-adjusted boy.

I suspect he’ll turn out just fine, our non-exciting summer be darned.

Loving My Baby

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I was very impatient with Paul this morning. He had energy to do everything. Since he hadn’t taken a nap yesterday, I was afraid today would be another never-ending day. I was exhausted already.

“Go! Go!” he shouted, excitedly, as we went from one activity and errand to the next.

I felt snappy. I felt impatient. I was a mean mommy, I’m afraid.

Then, blissfully, after lunch Paul took at three-hour nap, longer than normal. He awoke just as energetic, but I was different.

From the moment I got him up out of his crib, I felt I was holding a precious bundle of warm blessings. He was cuddly, and for a few moments, we rocked together in the rocking chair. He was my baby, not so little any more but just as soft and innocent as a newborn.

As he ran out of my arms and toward his toys, I felt I was letting go of my precious little baby. He’s a toddler, and becoming more of a little-boy every single day. Of course he’s energetic: everything he does is new. It is exciting. It is special. And I’m so glad that cuddling with Mommy post-nap was one of those special things.

As I came in here to type down some thoughts and to try – just try – to capture the precious mother moment when I held my no-longer-a-baby little boy in my arms, I heard him calling “Mamma! Mamma!” I returned to his side, and he proudly showed me how he made his blanket into a train track for his engine. Yes, he loves me. He wants to share his little discoveries with me.

I treasure the precious mother moments that Heavenly Father gives me, those moments when God reminds me that Paul is a son of a Heavenly King. These are the moments when I feel so blessed that his precious spirit was sent to me and my husband. Our family. Our eternal family.

Paul’s not going to a baby forever. Oh, how I don’t want him to grow away from me!

Six Months Already

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Six months ago, we closed on our new house. We moved in shortly thereafter. Now that we’re settled, it really about time I share the pictures of the inside. In fact, I can’t believe it’s already been six months.

Since January 29, we had the wood floors refinished, completely replaced the roof, and moved in. We have all the framed artwork that we own up on the walls. The wonderful thing is there are so many walls that we still have space left for more!

Note: Wow, this post ended up long. No hard feelings if you don’t want to read it all. 🙂

Since Ryan is back to traveling starting this week, I’d determined to get back on a regular schedule of cleaning the house. No more excuses, despite the summer weather. My goal is that every Thursday I spend the entire day getting the house ready for his return, including:

  • sweeping (which should be a daily task) and mopping the hardwood floors
  • cleaning the bathrooms, including the counters, mirrors, floors, toilets, and tubs/showers
  • scrubbing the kitchen counters and emptying the sink, including the microwave
  • dusting the living, family room, and bedroom
  • vacuuming all the carpet (there isn’t very much of it)
  • cleaning my office desk (I tend to pile things on it; this isn’t really for Ryan’s sake but rather for my own)

I started this morning, entertained Visiting Teachers for an hour, and was done by 3 p.m. (including taking 1 1/2 hours of Paul’s nap time).  Paul was very “helpful” when he’s awake. In addition to regular cleaning, I want to do one other major or minor house project a week.

Expensive House Projects

If I consider how much money we spent on floors, a new roof, and moving, certainly I could get a lot more basic house maintenance done in the next six months too!

  • A new water softener (very urgent; my hands are chapped)
  • Repaint the garage door (it was paint balled this week, and the bright orange paint won’t come off)
  • A new dryer (ours is slowly dying, so the next six months will probably bring this needed appliance)
  • Repaint all trim on house exterior (optional, I suppose, but it’s looking bad)
  • Re-seal and repaint the house exterior (optional, I hope)

A Tour of My House

Entry

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I’m pretty happy with the main entry to my house. I love it, in fact. Do you think the entryway needs a little console table under the picture of Christ? Maybe I’d put one to the side under the other picture in the hall (not pictured here). Except, I don’t want it to become a place to set things. Not cool. I just like the look of console tables. This is a dream, not a project.

Powder Room

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I love the long counter in here! Project: This bathroom needs a photo or picture over the toilet. What kind of a picture does one put in a bathroom? Does the picture of Christ on the counter look odd?

Living Room

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This room is so comfortable. It’s a non-play room, so I feel I can keep it clean and tidy for more than an afternoon. A few weeks ago, we finally put up our three picture shelves. Project: I need to get extended family pictures and frames to put on the shelf.

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I love this book case, and it works for now. Dream: A larger, taller case with glass doors.

Dining Room

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When the extra leaf is in the table, it makes this room very crowded. We only eat here when we have company though, so it’s okay, I guess. Except we never want to take out the leaf.

  • Project: I need something appropriate for that large, long shelf. It can’t weight too much, and it’s a bit high, so I can’t decide what would look nice at that level.
  • Project: New light fixture. This one has two light bulbs broken inside it, and we can’t get them out. Looks rather tacky.

Kitchen

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I love my kitchen. It’s probably my favorite room, just because it’s so comfortable. When it’s clean, I just get goosebumps as I walk in to it. I love the granite countertops.

  • Project: Rearrange drawers so more of the utensils can be put away. I don’t like having so many utensils on the counter, but I do like having them accessible when I need them! I actually have three drawers empty, but they are the drawers by the glass cabinets — not a useful spot when I’m in the middle of cooking.
  • Project: Get our knives sharpened. (I’m reading a book about it right now, so I’m already working on this project.)
  • Dream: Find a better home for the ice cream maker and bread maker. It’s too bad, but they don’t fit in any cabinets. And they’re heavy.
  • Project: Eat one meal a week on my china. I have it, I should use it, fancy meal or not!

Family Room

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I like this room too. I like the pillows I found for the couch, and that table is actually a chest for hiding Paul’s toys.

  • Project: Set up keyboards (they were disconnected a few weeks ago).
  • Project: Do something nice on the mantle. I had family pictures there, but now I think I’m going to move them to the other room.
  • Project: Reorganize DVDs in binders (these are in the drawer of the cabinet.)
  • Dream: Add a shelf to the cabinet in this room. It was a TV cabinet that we got used. I’ve tried to affix a shelf inside the top half, but I can’t. Alas.

Master Bedroom/Bathroom

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I like this room too. Really, I just love my house overall.

  • Project: We have a large armoire that we got used. The doors have come off (the holes are stripped), so I need to sand them, fill them, and re-drill the holes. This will be a big project, I think.
  • Project: Recalk master shower. It’s not bad, yet, but every week when I clean it, I think that’s what it really needs: more caulking.
  • Project: Do the ironing. (We keep the ironing board set up in our room.)

My Office

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I don’t have any project in here, other than getting pictures on the wall (a very low priority). When we first moved in, I had my books in alphabetical order (fiction) and Dewey Decimal order (nonfiction). I’m a geek. Needless to say, it didn’t last long with Paul to help reorganize it.

I didn’t really know how cluttered my bookshelves are until I take pictures of them! It looks pretty messy.

Ryan’s Office

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Ryan’s office is quite and lonely when he’s gone, especially since he’d been working from home for so long. Paul likes to sit in the chair in the corner and read his books. If there are any projects for this room, I don’t know about them!

Paul’s room looks the same as in his tour a few months ago. Other projects include more pictures on the walls, especially in the hall, and recaulk the tub in the hall. Fun, fun, fun!

Okay, I know that was more than you wanted to know. But now I feel really good about the prospects for the coming six months! We’ll see how much we get done.

(Oh wait, I forgot the yard! For another day….)

Simple Pleasures

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It lasted about 20 seconds.

It had been a typical Monday. He was whiny from his sleep-deprived weekend. He was frustrated, bursting in to tears over the smallest things. But now, newly awakened from a refreshing nap, he was running in the back yard, chasing a ball, swinging, and otherwise being happy.

It was a beautiful afternoon, with the puffy cumulus clouds dotting the uncharacteristically blue sky. A light breeze kept the temperature around 70 degrees, which was perfect for an afternoon in the yard.

My son looked and pointed at the sky, maybe seeing another airplane or a bird. I told him about cloud shapes, and called him over to look with me. I lay down in the grass, and he toddled over and lay down beside me, his one-year-old head resting against my arm and shoulder. As I pointed up at the sky, he giggled and burbled along, pointing upward towards the clouds.

And that is why I stay home with him every day: to lie down in the grass and look at the clouds with him for 20 seconds every now and then. It’s all worth it.

Why I Stay Home

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It lasted about 20 seconds.

It had been a typical Monday. He was whiny from his sleep-deprived weekend. He was frustrated, bursting in to tears over the smallest things. But now, newly awakened from a refreshing nap, he was running in the back yard, chasing a ball, swinging, and otherwise being happy.

It was a beautiful afternoon, with the puffy cumulus clouds dotting the uncharacteristically blue sky. A light breeze kept the temperature around 70 degrees, which was perfect for an afternoon in the yard.

Paul looked and pointed at the sky, maybe seeing another airplane or a bird. I told him about cloud shapes, and called him over to look with me. I lay down in the grass, and he toddled over and lay down beside me, his one-year-old head resting against my arm and shoulder. As I pointed up at the sky, he giggled and burbled along, pointing towards the clouds.

And that is why I stay home with him every day: to lie down in the grass and look at the clouds with him for 20 seconds every now and then. It’s all worth it.

Let’s Talk About Poop

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I really don’t want to talk about poop. This is my blog, supposed to be about my life. My non-kid life. Poop should go to Paul’s Page. That’s the page about the kid’s life.

But as I consider possible blog entries I could write, blog posts that might have some relevance to my current, everyday life, this is the post that keeps coming to mind.

What does that tell you about my life?

It started with Signing Time. Volume 2 has a sequence dedicated to “Potty.” (Can I tell you how much I hate that word? If I hear the segment, I reinforce that the word is “toilet.”) So Paul now has the sign as a part of his every day vocabulary. Maybe I should say “every hour” vocabulary.

Then a few months ago, I saw a “potty training flyer” at the doctor’s office when I was last there. It suggests saying things like “The pee/poop needs to come out!” at appropriate times. So I have been. Like those times when his face turns all red and he gets that look of concentration? Good time to mention it.

Paul loves the toilet. He gets very excited if someone says “I need to go to the bathroom” and he likes to follow the person in, hand over some toilet paper, and help get the hand towel for drying the hands after washing. The entire time, he blabs about something that he thinks is important.

I think he’s telling the person to make sure and get the pee out.

At 21 months, I really didn’t think Paul would comprehend the machinations of his body. I figured I had another year (at least) of such talk before it sank in.

For the last few days, he’s been saying “toilet” and we go and sit. But he doesn’t even wait. He just grabs the toilet paper and flushes the toilet. So I figured it was just a game for him: take off diaper, sit down, wipe, flush, put on diaper.

Today he came running to me, signing “toilet” as usual, with the same non-success/quick sit. Then about ten minutes later, he came running in even more eagerly, again signing “toilet.” I realized that he had come because the poop was coming out. It was kind of exciting to realize that he really did notice the happenings of his body. This is a very good sign! Maybe he’s always running in because something is coming out: he just hasn’t figured out the “it’s about to happen” moment yet.

And yet, this means I’m entering a new phase of poop. No longer will it be contained in a tidy little diaper. Don’t get me wrong; I’m very excited. I’m going to go get a kid-sized toilet seat and a box of Pull-Ups.

But then again, is this just a teasing stage? Is he going to regress very soon again? I’m suspecting that this is a “this is new” phenomenon and he’s going to be very tired of it in a week. Maybe starting now will just prolong the cost and bother.

What do the other mothers think? Is 21 months way too young to even consider beginning this process?

Update

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Having a Husband Home

Ryan’s been in town for three weeks! It’s been so nice to have him home at night. I go to finish getting dinner ready and there is laughter coming from the playroom instead of wails and whines. And then he gets Paul ready for bed while I clean up the kitchen or vice versa. I’m so jealous of all of you who have your husband home most nights! I’m so spoiled this month.

Ryan worked in St. Charles (30-40 minutes away) for a week. The downside was that I had to drive him if I wanted the car. We are still a one-car family, and it’s obvious that we’d need a second car if he were in town more often. Paul did not like sitting in the car for 90 minutes in the morning and again in the evening! Ryan worked in St. Charles for one week, he worked downtown a few days, and the rest of the time he’s been working from home. It’s very nice. Of course, knowing that the company has clients to send him to would be very nice too. It’s a good time to stay very busy in your place of employment.

Yesterday he had to fly out to Albuquerque in the early hours of the day, but he’s flying back tonight, red eye. He may return to NYC next week; I’m not sure. I wouldn’t mind having him around longer, despite the caveat I wrote above.

Anniversary

We had a really nice weekend to celebrate our third anniversary. Ryan finished up his work in St. Charles and we drove down to Naperville. Mom and Dad had agreed to watch Paul. It was to be the first night I was ever apart from Paul. And it was about time!

We went to dinner at Olive Garden (one of my favorite restaurants because it’s very tasty, even while being inexpensive). Then we went to to the temple for a session. After we got out (rather late), we drove to Chicago and stayed at the Palmer House. (Ryan has hotel points, and we just don’t order any room service so it was free.) The next morning we walked to Millennium Park and took some pictures as we walked around. Then we got a nice lunch and drove to Naperville in time to visit with my brother Carl and his friend.

So how did I do without Paul? I woke up once in the night thinking “oh no! He fell out of his crib!” (I don’t know why. He’s never even tried to climb out of his crib.) And then I had a dream that he was crying for me because he couldn’t get his socks on by himself. (Well, it’s true: he can’t get his socks on without my help! He tries every day.)

So how did Paul do? Mom says he didn’t cry all weekend, and he slept in until 8 a.m. (Why doesn’t he sleep in for me?!) When I heard him waking up from his nap on Saturday afternoon, I was eager to see him. He rolled over, saw me, and started to cry. It was kind of funny if you think about it.

Then we got ready and went to cousin Daniel’s baptism. We were so excited that we could be there. Paul wasn’t very reverent, unfortunately. We then had a barbecue at Daniel’s house. I didn’t get any pictures of the birthday boy on his big day. Boo.

Yard

After my last post, I did buy four small bushes (total: $70)  and Miracle Gro, a hose, and Weed Killer (total: $70). I tore out the dead bushed and planted the newborn bushes in the front planter.

Ryan’s comment: “They look like a couple of weeds.”

In the past month, they’ve grown and they look a little better. I took a picture of the planter “before” (with the dead bushes), but I didn’t take a picture of the “after” until this week. It still looks pretty meager. Maybe when my bushes have grown more, I’ll show you. I’ve also planted a few perennials and bulbs my friends gave me, but of course those won’t be much until next year.

That is the extent of yard work I can afford this year. We have a lot of other things to do, but we do not feel confident doing them ourselves and/or would really need to hire a professional. Some of those things include:

  • prune the huge tree that is half dead (please don’t tell me we can do this ourselves)
  • prune all the trees that are not dead at all (I’m hoping my better half might figure this out)
  • prune the really huge overgrown bush by the split-rail fence (I did prune the other bushes, but this one is so out of control, I seriously cannot even reach it.)
  • diagnose the fungus that the two rear maple trees have and treat the trees (Ryan self-diagnosed it, and it will just go away by next year, we think. But a real diagnosis would help me feel a lot better.)
  • tear out the dead pine tree and the dying ugly pine tree along the back of our deck (Ugly Ugly Ugly!)
  • tear out the dead rose bushes (There are about 4; turns out two or three others have a little bit of growth! maybe the other 4 likewise aren’t completely dead!)

Our planters have random things in them. I still don’t know which are weeds and which are supposed to be there. So the positive side of not having any more money for “gardening” is that I get to just wait and see. I’m glad, too, because one side of the house ended up being a bed of strawberries!

House

We have all the framed pictures we own up on the walls. Now we just need frames so we can put up the rest of our pictures. I can’t wait until every wall is full of our pictures. Then it will feel completely like home. It’s only just home right now.

I’ve spent some time getting the basement organized, including a very empty food storage family storage spot (did you notice the church “changed” the name in all it’s material?). I’ll get a picture (but not tonight) because I’m very proud of the nice open space beside all of our storage boxes. A few weeks ago, you couldn’t get past. Now you can!

Organizing the basement means there is now space to begin a sufficient family storage! Right now, our family storage is mostly non-edibles: toilet paper, paper towels, cleaning supplies. But I’ve figured out a plan for getting the edibles up to three months as well. I’m excited to have a storage of usable food just down the stairs.

I’m also slowly attacking the really moldy refrigerator in the basement so ComEd can pick it up (they’ll even pay me for it). I thought I could clean it and we could use it, but it is too moldy. I never ever want to put my food in it. I’ll never get the mold out of all the cracks. I am going to be sick just thinking about it.

Other things I’d like to have done around the house that unfortunately cost money:

  • clean the vents (The thought of having the floors sanded and all that sand still in the vents makes me shudder. I’m just sweeping up that dust every day. It’s filtering through the house!)
  • powerwash the back of the house (it’s moldy)
  • paint the house
  • paint the trim
  • replace all the windows (essentially all of them have moisture between then, which means they look very dirty, even if we clean inside and out)
  • repaint the deck
  • paint all the walls in the house

And that’s just the beginning…

Housework

I’ve come to a new realization lately: I don’t mind housework. I realized this when Ryan was home. One night, he was talking to me and I started emptying the dishwasher and loading it. I realized I didn’t care that that was what I was doing: it didn’t bother me. It’s not a big deal. Why, then, do I put it off all day?

Since then, I’ve realized the same thing about many chores: sweeping and mopping the floor, making the bed, cleaning the toilets. I don’t love doing the chores (and no, I don’t want to do your chores), but they need to be done and doing them doesn’t bother me. It’s nice to have a clean and tidy home.

It’s a nice thing to realize.

Other Updates Plus Thoughts on Cooking

I update my reading progress at my reading blog here, I post weekly updates about my son’s antics here, and I’ve started tracking my cooking here.

I’m hoping that tracking my cooking will be an incentive to remain creative in my cooking as well as healthful, even when my husband is out of town. When I don’t cook (i.e., when Ryan is gone for five days at a time), then I feel like I can’t cook and I get in a rut where I’m paralyzed in to inaction (“oh, no! It’s dinner time again!” *start panicking and staring in the mostly empty refrigerator*). I need to keep on cooking every day and planning ahead, and it will become more natural.

For some reason, I dread cooking until I begin. I really do like cooking when I’m doing it.

So does that work for an update, Jen? Sorry there are no pictures. I’m too tired to find my camera.

Read with Kids Challenge

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As a part of the Read with Kids Challenge, I’ve been tracking the time I read with Paul (who is 19 months old).

I love to read (as one can tell from my reading blog), so I like to read him chapter books (usually children’s). Even though he’s too young to care or follow a plot, I want to read those books, so I might as well get them read while I’m reading to a child. But each morning, I usually read him a chapter from something (10-20 minutes) while he plays with his toys or eats his breakfast. We also read picture books a lot, any time of day.

The Read with Kids Challenge encourages parents (or teachers or librarians) to read with kids from April 1 til June 30, 2009. There are awards and such too. I don’t expect to win anything — I just thought it would be fun to see how much I read with Paul and try to raise that amount of time each day so that reading is a habit for him and for us.

From April 15 (when I started keeping track) until today, we read 390 minutes, or an average of 26 minutes a day. I had made a 75-day goal of 2500 minutes, which is an average of 33 minutes a day. Considering reading in the morning and bedtime stories, that sounded do-able, but then I forgot about the days when I forget or don’t do much reading at all (like weekends!). I realize now that that will be nearly impossible. In the past two weeks, I’ve been really pushing myself to read whenever I could and every day. But I still came up short of what I expected would be “easy.” Maybe averaging 20 minutes a day is plenty practical. My new goal is 1600 minutes by the end of June, including, of course, the 390 we did in the later half of April.

I also wonder which times I should count as reading; maybe I am “cheating.” My son doesn’t actually read, so all my time is actually “reading to a kid.”  Which times would you count as “reading with kids” out of these?

  • I read a chapter book to him while he plays with his toys or eats his breakfast or takes his bath.
  • I read a chapter book to him while he falls asleep in my arms (he was not feeling well).
  • I read him a picture book bedtime story.
  • I read him two pages of a bedtime story, and then he points at the pictures and babbles as he turns the other pages.
  • When I say it’s time for a bedtime story, he runs to the closet and grabs a picture book. Then he sits on the floor, turns the pages, and babbles, pushing me away if I come near. After about 30 seconds, he gets up and exchanges it for a different book. Repeat five to ten times.

I count them all, because each in its own way helps him to love reading. That is, I think, the purpose of this challenge. I’m comforted in the fact that my son loves books. But what do you think? Does reading with kids need to be interactive?

An example of success: I read Paul Robinson Crusoe aloud over the course of two months. Now, whenever he sees that particular book on my bookshelf, he brings it to me, babbling something incomprehensible. I’m hoping he is actually saying something about his good memories of me reading to him (like maybe that day I held him when he was not feeling well, and he fell asleep as I read to him).

Another example: Yesterday morning, after I got him up and dressed, I was going to go into the other room. But Paul found the copy of Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle we’re reading and handed it to me, very excited.

“Do you want me to read some of it to you?” I asked.

He nodded emphatically and then headed back to his toys, turning to look back at me to see that I was starting to read. Aww, how could I not?

Update

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I haven’t updated this for another two weeks. My, time goes fast!

Nothing is happening in my life except these things (decide for yourself if they are exciting).

  • Our house is fully furnished and we almost have all the pictures on the walls. We also have just a few shelves to put up, and I want to add family photos in frames to those shelves. My color printer on the fritz, so I guess I should just pay to have them printed.
  • We have spent every Saturday for the past few weekends working in the yard. It looks bad, but it’s getting a little better. The house had been vacant for a long time, and while they must have had a yard service mowing the lawn, the planters were rather neglected. This weekend we got mulch and in the next few weeks, once Chicago stops frosting and I’m sure there won’t any more snow (when might that be?!), I may get some plants in the ground. Maybe then I’ll show pictures. I don’t like yard work at all at this point, and would love to have the money to hire someone else to make it pretty. I’d rather do an inside project in that time, of which I could choose from many.
  • I got my haircut. It looks bad. I didn’t get it straightened (I decided it was too expensive this month), and with all the humidity and rain we get in Chicago this time of year, it’s just horribly frizzy. Sigh. Maybe in two months I’ll get it straightened. I dislike it almost as much as I disliked my hair before I got it cut. (it had been 15 months since my last cut; it was time.)
  • I’ve gotten a cold every two weeks for the past three months, but thankfully, I don’t think it’s the swine flu.
  • Paul is finally starting to talk. It’s delightful to understand him! He’s also becoming a sporadic napper, meaning there are some days when he’s awake 12 hours and I don’t get a break. That’s not so delightful but we’re managing. Lots of visits to the library (where there is a train table).
  • Ryan is still traveling Monday mornings through Thursday nights. I’m so glad he doesn’t have to leave Sunday night! The few interviews he’s had have been of the “we’d-love-to-hire-you-but-can’t” sort, thanks to this crummy economy. We’re looking at options for the future and the long run looks promising, although it means he’ll be traveling for the foreseeable future. At least he has a great job!
  • I am the primary music leader. They have had substitutes for about three months, so they are delighted to have me. I love my calling.

I don’t update very often, and it’s good to look at this and remember that life is good. We’re so grateful for all the wonderful blessings the Lord has given us.

“I Can” versus “I Can’t”

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I’ve never had incredible self confidence, and I always second guess my abilities. Taking on the role of mother is still incredibly daunting to me, even eighteen months after my son’s birth. But the process of giving birth has so much to do with how I still approach motherhood.

When I first entered the delivery room that Sunday morning, I asked how long I should expect to be in labor. The midwife suggested that normal progress would be 4 hours for every 2 centimeters dilation. Since I was only 4 centimeters at that point, I could therefore expect 12 more hours of labor! I couldn’t stand the thought of such a long time. I’d already been awake most of the night.

Because it seemed there was so much time left, I decided to wait until I seriously couldn’t bear it anymore before asking for the epidural. While I expected I’d eventually take the pain medication, it would be a long time stuck on my back.

Less than two hours later, I asked for it. I couldn’t stand the pain. With each contraction, I already told my husband, “I can’t do this!” He calmly reassured me that I could.

By the time I asked for the epidural, however, it was too late-I was fully dilated. I couldn’t have an epidural at that point. It was nearly time to push.

In some respects, it was exciting to know that my son was so near to being born. It’s very good to have a shorter labor. But I just knew I couldn’t have a baby without numbing all the pain.

“How long?” I asked.

“Within two hours.”

Two more hours! I couldn’t do it. I would die. I firmly decided that if the baby hadn’t been born by 3 p.m, I would succumb to death. But I’d make a valiant effort before I did. I owed that to my husband and this baby that wanted to be born.

The contractions were horrible. But then the most amazing thing happened: in between each I was able to breathe and get ready for the next one. During each contraction I would feel so horrible and I’d tell everyone in the room I couldn’t do it. But then I’d get a moment to catch my breath. And I’d realize that the baby was coming.

Whenever I said “I can’t do it!”, my husband would say “You are doing great” and the midwives would say “You are doing it!”

Well, my son sure took his time. It was more than 2 hours. 3 p.m. came and he still hadn’t been pushed out. But he was nearly there. I decided not to die. And then, with one long push, there was my son. He was born. The midwife put him on my belly.

He was: blue and squirmy and tiny. And yet, he was so huge for having just come from inside of me! It was an incredible thing to finally hold him, and while I cannot describe my first emotional impression of seeing my son, I recall that it was powerful. I was a mother.

That night, my husband left the hospital and I was left with our newborn son. He was fussy and wouldn’t go to sleep. I was exhausted and the adrenaline was wearing off. I’d been up most of the night before with contractions and so I hadn’t had a very restful sleep then either. As a new mom, I think I must have felt I would be betraying my new son if I put him to sleep all alone in his bassinet if he wasn’t yet fully asleep. (I was cured of that pretty quickly.)

As I paced the floor, I thought a silly thought: “Come on! Go to sleep! I can’t stay awake much longer!”

And then it happened: I realized I could never truly say “can’t” again.

I had just been through childbirth without pain medication of any kind. I certainly hadn’t thought I’d be able to do that. And yet, I had done it. Certainly, walking the room with my baby when I was exhausted was nothing compared to that. I could handle whatever comes.

I have forgotten many times. I still doubt myself. And if I’m labor again, I will probably say “I can’t do this!” It’s how life is: we forget. But I have had an experience that solidifies the fact that I can do so much more than I think I can do.

When I was up late last week, exhausted and feverish, holding my feverish toddler, I could handle it.

When my son throws his food on the floor and laughs in my face and I know my husband is out of town for another three days, I can handle it.

And in the coming years, when my son hurts himself and is screaming and bleeding, I can handle it.

I may not feel like I can on those days of utter exhaustion or frustration or worry, but I didn’t feel like I could deliver a baby without medicine either. We don’t know what we are able to do until we are called upon to do it.

I certainly feel that my call of Mother is beyond my own power. But I know that God sustained me during the birth of my son. And with His sustaining power in my life, I no longer can say “I can’t” to any challenge along the way in this journey called Motherhood.

I won’t tell anyone to go through childbirth without drugs. I certainly wanted them! (We live in an age with pain medicine, why not use it?) In general, however, I think we need to stop telling ourselves “I can’t” if we truly don’t know our ability. We shouldn’t let our perception of how bad things will be (or are) cloud our ability to actually do them. We can!

Adapted for the April Write-Away contest at Scribbit, theme Mom. For me, being a Mom means remembering that that I can do anything I need to.