Category Archives: Deep Thoughts

Silence, Sugar, and Babies

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I’ve been pondering a number of issues this month and some how I never got posts out. Here is a miscellany post about some of those issues on my mind.

Silence. I spent three days this month without a voice. At all. I could not speak above a whisper from Friday morning until Sunday night, even if I tried to force it. The effect of this on Paul was very interesting. Friday, he spent the day whispering back to me. The house was much calmer. I also noticed just how often I rely on a loud voice to get me point across. I yell up the stairs to Paul from downstairs to do something. I tell him in a loud voice how disappointed I am in something. I use my voice to lecture him. Without a voice, I found I had to rely a lot more on being close to him (obviously), to be more clear in my word choice (since tone of voice didn’t come through in a whisper), and to accept the fact that explaining something once has to be okay (because it hurts to repeat it). This is something I want to remember even when I do have a voice. Momma’s mood, tone of voice, and strength of voice impacts kid’s reactions (duh).

Babies. When Paul was newborn, I was very protective of him. I treasured the baby stages. I loved the newborn. I loved the infant. I did not want to share him with other moms. “Get your own baby!” I seriously thought. Then it took 18 months longer to have my second baby than I anticipated. Now, I understand. While I hope for at least one more baby of my own, every single time I pick up Caroline, I feel a sense of sadness at the thought that some day I won’t have a baby to treasure. And I do treasure every single moment. She’s getting old so fast, and now I know how quickly my baby will become a child. I don’t mind sharing my baby so much! And I’m taking extra care to cherish the cuddly moments with Caroline.

Sugar. When I was pregnant with Paul, I did not overdose on sugar. After he was born, I went a year without chocolates, candy, and extra cookies and ice cream (I did make cookies and eat ice cream, but I didn’t have too much). Sure, the severe abdominal attacks due to gall stones made a difference, but it also was not a part of the Australian culture to munch and snack all the time, especially not on high sugar foods. (Just eat an Australian “brownie.” I dare you.) It was not until I returned to the USA that I started eating candy again. I remember the first piece of candy: I was at a Relief Society meeting at the stake center and the tables were littered with small, bite-sized candy bars. Friends and I sat and chatted. I reach for a candy bar. I ate it, and then I ate another, and then another.

The last year has been the worst for my new addition to sugar. When I was pregnant, I bought birthday candy, Halloween candy, Thanksgiving treats, Christmas candy, candy for my birthday, Valentine’s day candy, and then Shamrock Shakes at McDonald’s. I’m now a bit out of control in my cravings for more sugar, more candy, and sweets in general.

To be honest, I feel it’s the church culture of food that makes it so hard to resist. I walk in Relief Society and the teacher says “I like treats,” and hands out chocolate mints. I go to an activity and there are cookies. I go to church on Mother’s Day and the Bishop hands me chocolate and Relief Society has cupcakes. Even my son comes home from church talking about his many treats, from chocolate (for answering questions! Really? For a four year old?!) to cheese sticks and crackers and fruit. I can’t go to church without being offered something to eat, most weeks.

Is my obsession with sweets and snacking the church’s fault? Obviously not. I choose to eat what is handed to me. I chose to buy an extra large bag of Halloween candy and then snack on it for the entire month of October. I obviously have a problem when I finish a meal and crave a desert. That is not only not necessary but it’s not healthy, and I know it. I felt fantastic the year I was in Australia, not snacking on sugar. I was not on anti-depressants and I still felt well.

I highly suspect that my sugar obsession is causing my depression to get worse. I have not read a lot about diet-controlled depression, but given how well (emotionally and mentally) I was during my low sugar time, I definitely see a connection. Further, the fact that I have gained weight since I came home from the hospital after childbirth is a big worry to me. Everyone said, “wow, you look fantastic!” to me in that first month. Yes, I pushed a baby out and weighed what I did before I got pregnant to begin with. I only gained about 10-15 pounds in that pregnancy. (I know, people “hate” me for this, but it’s beginning to catch up to me.) I now, five months later, weigh probably five pounds more than I did then. Paul asked me the other day if I have another baby in my tummy, something he did not ask me four months ago because I didn’t have such a little pouch.Truly, I’ve gained a pouch since I had my baby. It was not so pronounced the day I gave birth. (I was blessed that day, I get it. Still I’m a bit concerned at the direction this is going.)

I see a serious need for an exercise and for decreased sugar intake. I need to stop buying sweets and giving in to cravings. That first week last month when I told myself no more fast food was very hard. I could not believe how many times I found myself wishing for a shake. This month it’s a little better. Now I just need to learn to say “no” at church and other social events. I wish the church meetings (not to mention every thing else tempting me with sugar in this sugar-happy USA) would stop making it so hard!

The reasons behind the U.S.’s obesity epidemic is clear to me. It is so hard to resist.

 

Rooty the Carrot and a Mammal Hunt

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Our library’s summer reading program has a theme of “Reading is So Delicious!” Going along with that, we had the chance to check out a carrot named Rooty to take with us on our adventures.

Last week, we took Rooty with us as we went on a “mammal hunt.” Paul has been learning about mammals (versus everything else) so our trip to the Barnyard Zoo and then our Trip to the EIEIO exhibit at the Discovery Center Museum was a fun time to talk practically about which animals were mammals and which were not. We visited the Discovery Center Museum on two different days.

Digging for Fossils at the Discovery Center Museum

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Caroline had fun too. (This is our toy from home.)

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At the Barnyard Zoo
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At the Discovery Center Museum Again
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Thoughts on Four Years and Four Months

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Today was Caroline’s four-month doctor’s visit. She is 11 pounds, 7 ounces, and is 23 inches long. That’s the 10th percentile. She’s gained exactly 4 pounds and grown 4 inches since she was born. She’s petite but in normal ranges.

She is, for the most part, a very happy girl. Today is an exception. She was okay for the two hours after her immunizations this morning, but now she’s crying pretty constantly, wondering why she’s in pain. Paul is walking around with his hands over his ears. “Can you tell Caroline to be quiet?” he recently asked.

On a normal day, Caroline loves to see happy faces. She delights in being with others and demands that she be up in her high chair where she can see us eating our dinner and so forth. If she’s away from the action, she’ll cry very vigorously, demanding attention.

Right now, I’m in the midst of a de-spoiling process. This means that I’m letting her cry herself to sleep at night when I know she’s ready to go to sleep, and I’m trying to not feel guilty when I put her down to clear the dinner dishes or go to the bathroom(!) or otherwise let her be by herself for a few minutes. She’s a very social little girl so she doesn’t like being alone. It’s hard to let her cry, but she must learn, right?

Caroline loves to smile and laugh, and Paul is a central part of her daily joy. She loves to watch him walking around the room, to smile at his songs, and to listen to what he has to say and the stories he likes to read. I can already see her adoration of her big brother as she brightens when he approaches her with his love and attention.

The love and attention is not one sided. Paul loves to be near his sister. He loves to help her be happy, to tell her stories, and to read her books. He remembers to include her in every game and he cannot wait until she is a “kid”. Even as a baby, though, he’s tender and loving to her, giving her big hugs and kisses.

I love to watch these two special spirits interact. I know there will be plenty of times when they are tired of each other. As I mentioned, Paul does not like the loud crying and when she’s finally old enough to play, I suspect he’ll be a bit annoyed at her destroying his Lego creations or what not. But in general, I see love and adoration coming from both of them. Caroline will love her brother as she gets older: she doesn’t know life without him. And Paul, who did “long long ago before Caroline was born” (his words) live a life without a little sister, will certainly care for his little sister and protect her as much as he can. He will teach her important things and he will make her laugh throughout her life. He will find such joy in his role as big brother.

I look forward to the coming months as I watch these two special spirits interacting and learning from each other! I am so grateful that Paul can have a sibling to learn from and to serve! I’m so grateful that Caroline has joined our family. I wouldn’t have our family any different.

And It Came to Pass

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I have been thinking of this phrase. We had a speaker at Stake Conference a few months ago that used this phrase as a basis for his talk. It is the regular phrase of The Book of Mormon, the first words my son pretended to read when it was his turn at age 2.

I see it in terms of motherhood. A year ago in January, I had a miscarriage after a year of trying to conceive. I thought maybe I’d never have another child! And then, it came to pass, that I did get pregnant and almost four months ago it came to pass that I did have a baby. Those six extra months don’t seem like a big deal any more.

I see it in terms of happiness and priorities. I struggle with depression, and I have for just about two decades. And it came to pass that I look back now and see so many wonderful times and happy days. I don’t see the rotten, spend-the-day-crying days.

I see it in terms of learning and growing. Sometimes I wonder if I’m any closer to my Heavenly Father than I was as a missionary a decade ago. And it came to pass that I am at peace with my relationship with Heavenly Father. I see growth, especially as I revisit old journals.

And it came to pass that I got older.

It kind of saddens me if I think about this for too long, simply because I know that before I know it, I’ll be 80 years old and close to the end of my earthly life. And it will come to pass that I will look back and say to myself, “how did all these things come to pass so quickly?”

Right now the difficult days don’t always seem quick. But it surely will when I sit and look back and say, “Wow, all these wonderful things came to pass!”

I really want to treasure these days of young motherhood. They are passing so rapidly!

A Family Trip to Palmyra

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We’ve been wanting to do something special as a family. With the Memorial Day weekend, we especially searched for the right thing. Ryan felt inspired to take our family on a trip to Kirtland and Palmyra so off we went on Thursday afternoon.We came back Monday.

It was a whirlwind of a trip. Paul and Caroline did great on the way East but I’m sure no one would be surprised to learn that the long drive back Sunday night and Monday was long. Caroline spent most of the trip through Ohio, Indiana, and Illinois on Monday screaming because she was mad to still be in the car. We took lots of breaks and she still was pretty mad. I didn’t put her in the carseat again until Wednesday afternoon but as soon as I did she started screaming again! I think she’s calmed down for now, because she’s been okay since then. Paul did well but got pretty tired of that car!

Our visit in Kirtland and Palmyra was a perfect amount of time. Paul was very excited to see the Sacred Grove. The week before we went, he told everyone. (This provided some interesting missionary moments for me. How great that a family vacation lets me explain to people what Mormonism is, and why we find it so important that the heaven are open to prophets in this era, just as in the past!)

Paul did tire of the old houses and lengthy sister missionary tours, so we did not see everything in Kirtland or Palmyra. We did see the Kirtland Temple with a Community of Christ tour and the N.K. Whitney store and house in Kirtland, and in Palmyra we saw Joseph Smith’s log home, the frame house, the Sacred Grove, the Grandin print building where The Book of Mormon was first published, and the Hill Cumorah statue. (I dropped my camera at the Hill Cumorah, breaking the lens, so the only pictures we have from that are those Paul took.)

The trip was just what we needed to create memories as a family. I think Paul now has a frame of reference. Although not everything will remain memorable, I suspect he will not forget that he has seen where Joseph Smith prayed.

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Here are some of the pictures Paul took. He played with the camera as we drove, so he had tons of pictures of Caroline (who was right next to him). My favorite is the ultimate bored look in the second picture of my baby.

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April and Australia

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Caroline is busy being adorable. Here are some pictures from April 21, 2012, the day before she was two months old.

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One of these days I’ll get a good picture of her gorgeous smile. It’s so adorable! I treasure her little coo’s and goo’s!

Paul learned about his birth country, Australia, this month. Here’s the giant Australia cookie we made at the beginning of the project.

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Beyond making a giant cookie, we didn’t do much other than reading lots of picture books about Australia. Are we There Yet? by Alison Lester was a child’s perspective of a month-long road trip around Australia. Paul enjoyed learning about the various landmarks and it was fun to show him the family picture in the Victorian mountains and a picture of himself with me by The Twelve Apostles when he was about six months old.

A number of books were about the animals of Australia. Koala Lou by Mem Fox, Wombat Stew by Marcia Vaughan, Snap! by Marcia Vaughan, Possum Magic by Mem Fox, and My Grandma Lived in Gooligulch by Graeme Base. I wanted to do more with the learning about animals, but Paul did not have much interest beyond reading the picture books. We did watch a brief documentary about the Great Barrier Reef and then we enjoyed watching Finding Nemo and making a Finding Nemo game based on the Great Barrier Reef facts he remembered. (He is already forgetting these facts, but it was fun making the game anyway! He will remember what a “predator” is at least.)

I also tried to give him a very basic introduction to Aborigines and culture, but it didn’t go over so well. We liked Big Rain Coming by Katrina Germein, which had Aborigine style artwork. We looked at the boomerangs we purchased when we lived in Australia and we talked about how the art of dots and lines created symbols. He didn’t much care, so we’ll have to return to that sometime! And we read a very silly folktale called Whale’s Canoe (by Joanna Troughton) which is supposedly based on a Dreamtime tradition.

And then he summarized all he learned in this video.

(Yes, Caroline is crying in the background. Ryan was holding her, so it wasn’t like I was just abandoning her. But my, it sounds pretty bad watching the video and hearing her crying!!)

It was fun! He wants to move on to Asia now, although I must admit, I’m not sure which direction to go in first as “Asia” is a huge continent!

Hallelujah!

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This post of celebration is a few days late, but there is still cause to celebrate! Caroline, who was eight weeks old yesterday, has begun to separate night from day!

On Sunday night, she slept for seven hours straight for the first time. The next two nights she slept for five hours and last night it was three hours and then four hours. These longer stretches of sleep have been wonderful for this mama. I was beginning to feel a bit insane in the two or three hours sleeps I was getting. After almost two months, such sleep deprivation is quite discouraging. Now I feel like a human again. Monday I celebrated by cleaning the house.

Yesterday I fell asleep again mid-afternoon. I hate taking naps like that! It feels great at the time but then I wake up feeling groggy and lazy. I don’t get things done that I intended! Ryan says drinking lots of water helps stave off sleepiness. Do you have any other suggestions?

Caroline smiles regularly now. It’s such a pleasant thing to go to my baby and be greeted with a happy face of delight. I have been awful at taking pictures of her. I find I’d much rather hold her and cuddle and coo with her than run get my camera! Caroline notices toys and has begun to enjoy her mobile, much as Paul enjoyed it at the same point in his life (see his video here!)

Caroline lays there staring at the mobile without moving. Then I turn it on and she smiles or kicks or flails her arms. She definitely likes it!

Here she is in a new dress getting ready to go to church! (April 15)

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I had the force the toy into her hand but she grasped on to it for a while. I love her expression in this picture. (April 14)

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Six Weeks Already!

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Caroline turned six weeks old this week. She is a fantastic baby. She loves to eat. She smiles to us all now (although the smiles are still a rarity, so I treasure them!). She is incredibly vocal about what she needs: food (NOW!!), diaper change (NOW!!), attention (!!). I feel like there is a lot of crying at various points in the day but I’m trying not to feel to guilty about letting her wait a few moments sometimes when really, I just can’t hold her all day long (much as I sometimes want to).

She is strong. During tummy time (if she’s happy), she’ll lift up arms, legs, and head/neck and just float on her tummy for a few seconds before relaxing. She tries to turn her head from side to side then too. She grasps hold of my shirt or arm. She tries to get her tiny hands into her mouth, a difficult task since she doesn’t realize she controls them. She’s clever because when she’s hungry, she knows the binkie is not going to do much for her and promptly rejects it with an angry yell. She’s sensitive because she recognizes the love surrounding her and responds with coos and a gentle six-week-old smile.

No, she’s not sleeping through the night — or more than 2.5 or 3 hours at a time (except for one night when she slept 4 hours!!). But that’s to be expected. I’m doing much better with the sleep spurts though. The first few weeks were a blur for me. It’s been a while since I had sleep deprivation (and Paul began sleeping long 5-7 hour stretches very early!) so these first six weeks required some readjustment, but I’ll make it.

Caroline is a precious addition to our family. Sometimes I stare at her and think “oh yeah, I have two kids now, that’s weird.” But other times I am only excited and grateful and excited to see her developing personality. I love having her in our family, and I am delighted to treasure these moments with her now when she’s still so innocent. And unknown: it will be great to get to know her too, but this little “doll-like” blank-slate stage has some precious bonuses too.

And Paul simply loves being a big brother. Yes, he’s had his moments of jealousy, (such as his frequent requests that I put Caroline down to do something for or with him). But in general, he can’t wait to greet her in the morning, and he’s just living for the days when she’ll understand that he is her Big Brother, a role he is incredibly proud of.

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(Apparently, someone’s head always has to be cute off.)

One Month Old

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All day long I’ve been close to tears: my baby is already one month old! I cannot believe how quickly that time passed by. I pick up Caroline and she is heavy (comparatively). Her tummy is chubby and her face is squishy. Today, I saw her eyes have tears for the first time when she cries. She is smiling more regularly at me and staying awake — happily — more frequently. Her going-home-from-the-hospital outfit is almost too snug for her. She’s almost no longer a newborn!

I just want to sit and cuddle her a long while. I can’t believe I’m losing the newborn baby stage so quickly! I miss her little crooked legs and her newborn innocence already.

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Spring has sprung this week in Chicagoland. It’s been in the 70s and 80s all week, so Paul, Caroline, and I have tried to get out a little bit each day to enjoy it! Here Paul is telling about the city he drew on the driveway.

I know this is new Mommy emotion, but I’m choked up as I type this, thinking about how big my little girl already is getting. On to month two for her, despite my desire to cling to the newly newborn baby!

This weekend Grandma Peggy and Papa Paul and more family are coming to celebrate Caroline’s recieving a name and a blessing in church on Sunday. We’re so grateful that Daddy honors the priesthood and can give her that special blessing.

The Earth Game

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Paul and I have not done much “school” since I posted at the beginning of February about our “school at home” progress. Obviously, this was due to the fact that I was in the uncomfortable last stages of pregnancy and then actually having a baby and taking care of a newborn.

Never the less, we have read through a book about the Earth from a fabulous Early Bird Early Learners series by Lerner Publications (this particular book). It’s written for slightly older kids, but by reading together, one chapter at a time, Paul and I enjoyed learning how the Earth’s crust moves, what volcanoes and earthquakes are, and what all of that means for us.

Since neither of us have been in the mood for worksheets lately, I was trying to think of a way to make remembering and reviewing these details fun. We weren’t interested in sitting in the school room, but Paul always wants to play board games with me!

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Voila! We turned Earth’s Crust into a game!

I found a mostly blank game board online. Paul found pictures in the book that he liked and I found similar ones online as well as a few clip art images to illustrate the game board. Then we added squares to correlate with the images: each of these squares gives or takes away an earth “token.” So, landing on a volcanic eruption may cost you two tokens, and the squares before and after it are labeled “volcanic ash” and may cost you one token. A “sleeping volcano” gets you a token.

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And then we made questions, Paul reading me sentences he liked from the book and me rewording them as a question or as a true/false sentence. When we land on a blank space on the board, we have to answer a question. Right answers get us more tokens. Whoever has the most tokens when we’re done playing the game wins!

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Paul and I have played this every day for two weeks now. He loves it! For the first days, he’d have to read the book to find the answer; sometimes I had to help him by finding the page or picture that correlated to the question. But now he knows the answers without having to look for them. How many four-year-olds care about magma (the name of a new imaginary friend, apparently) and lava and the plates of the Earth’s crust, which are moving? It’s quite fun to see him get excited about these things.

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Caroline is usually on my team. She usually sleeps through our turn. Sometimes Paul wants her to play by herself. She sleeps through that, too, and Paul takes her turn. He loves to include her, though.

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 All pictures on this post taken March 8, 2012. Caroline, age 2 weeks, 1 day old.